Friday, January 13, 2006

Real Bad Drive Home

So, I guess I was feeling particularly anxious when I left work today. I don't know, maybe another day of not doing anything in particular. I spent along time reading and programming on my own, but it gets kind of frustrating when I have to sit there and act busy even though I'm not. I should be enjoying the time that I don't have anything to do. I mean how many people actually have that chance. I can sit all day and just read and write and think, but it's very hard. I guess I don't feel that comfortable when everyone thinks I'm busy. Hello, you need to actually give me something to be busy with. But whatever, and when I do try to mention that I'm not busy, they act like I'm stupid for not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing. ?

So I tend to leave work in an anxious state. I feel bad about myself for not complaining more that I don't have more to do, and I feel bad that I haven't done more in the day and how am I ever going to get another job if I'm not doing anything in this one? I looked at a couple job postings today, and I guess they just set me off. I really want to do them, but I feel that I don't measure up. Why? I don't know. I know inside how good I am at stuff, but I have a hard time of allowing myself to do a good job. I always want to be so perfect, that I don't often try.

Life's tough.

So on my way home today, I yelled at my wife. I got a call from an old friend, whom I accidentally hung up on, and then couldn't get back in touch with. That made me even more mad, so I yelled at my wife again. I was just totally a major dick.

After I got home, I was able to release a bit, and we went to see some friends for Shabbas dinner, so I began to feel better. I still feel on edge, though.

Thanks for taking the time to listen to the "world's largest walking pile of anxiety". More normal stuff later today.

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